When Asking ‘Why’ Isn’t Helping
In the first semester of grad school, we had to take a counseling skills class. There, we were taught to stop asking ‘why.’ I was totally turned off by this idea. One of the reasons I was interested in becoming a therapist was my yearning for why. Why am I the way I am? Why is the world the way it is? Why do people interact with each other in different ways, etc… I still love these questions. I couldn’t hear the reasons to steer clear of this interrogative word because I was too busy building a case as to the merits of why, but I’m beginning to come to an understanding of what why does to us, and in particular, the anxious or traumatized mind. Here’s possible reasons why why may not be as useful as you think.
We don’t know why.
When I worked with kids, sometimes they would know what led to their behaviors or emotions, but for the most part, kids’ minds aren’t developed to the point that they can provide a tangible reason for their behavior. There’s a cause, but they don’t know it. It’s outside of their grasp. I would venture to say that lots of adults don’t know the why of their own behavior. Maybe they don’t remember a trigger. Maybe there really is no reason. Anything’s possible— which is often the scarier proposition.
We do know why.
You don’t really even need great insight to figure out why you are the way you are. I believe that without therapy, many people can pinpoint a time in their childhood that has affected their adulthood. But that doesn’t stop them from being plagued by their emotions or their behaviors. In fact, it usually sends them into more of a loop because they don’t believe they found the answer. If they found the answer, they’d be better. A why spiral is likely as they struggle to find the wherewithal to trust themselves (upcoming blog!) This leads to endless whys. Self-criticism and frustration usually accompanies this barrage of questions.
So what should we ask instead?
Therapists are taught to have an arsenal of questions to help clients gain insight. Whether you know or don’t know why, if something is really bothering you (and most likely frustrating you or causing you anxiety), we try to look at all facets of the situation. You can’t look at every face of an issue with only ‘why.’ Everyone knows that therapists are given “how do you feel about that.” I try to steer clear of that one unless it’s super appropriate. I tend to use
“what about _________ is difficult for you.” (Difficult or whatever fits).
This can open up a new discussion. A client could have a why answer for that one, and that’s fine. Usually, though, we begin to see the emotions that are part of the conflict.
Why is trying to move away from emotions because emotions are uncomfortable and undervalued in society.
The societal belief is that emotion is not productive; thoughts are. We want to be productive so we want to problem solve. But emotions are often what is keeping us in conflict (inner and outer). I always say, we can’t think our way out of our feelings.
Why isn’t necessarily judgmental, but the frustration that builds as we barrage ourselves with whys is a judgment. Getting those other interrogative words in there can lessen our tendency to become critical and enhance the chance that we’ll have a corrective emotional experience. These happen without judgement. Even without an aha! moment, looking at a challenge or conflict from all angles can provide a deeper and more holistic understanding of ourselves and the world around us.
This kind of thinking is often a big undertaking. If you want to learn what about your struggle is so difficult, contact me!