Your Shoulds Think They’re Helping, but They’re Actually in Denial
“Shoulds” are a big component of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (maybe you’ve heard of it, CBT is really making the rounds). But as with most theoretical concepts, they transcend just one theory. In existential therapy, (shoulds) keep us from taking responsibility for our own lives. In mindfulness, (shoulds) keep us from being present. In psychoanalysis, (shoulds) let us intellectualize; they let us stay in our thoughts and potentially conceal our feelings of shame, or sadness, or anger. (Shoulds) can freeze us in old patterns— keep our bodies stiff and tense, or propel us so far that we can’t recognize how we arrived at our present.
(Shoulds) lead to distorted thinking because they tell us a story about the way we are supposed to be, or the way the world is supposed to look as if there is a “correct” way to think, feel, and behave. Holding these beliefs ties us up in knots, gets us into arguments with others and sometimes arguments within ourselves.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we could JUST STOP telling ourselves how we should feel or what we or others should do? There’s more than one way to live your life, and because (shoulds) are subject to learning from your caregivers, social media, commercials, etc… they hold more power than they need.
The behaviors your caregivers modeled, literal messages they provided, or ways you learned to adapt within the context of your relationship with caregivers give you a solid foundation for the ways in which you and others should think, feel, and act.
Cultural messages can include messages you receive on a large scale including your ethnic backgrounds, gender and sexuality, generational family, friends, school, work, favorite TV shows, music, and your social media algorithm.
Some messages that come to mind include: Work hard, hustle, relax all the time, be well, be the most well, understand everything, be open minded—but only in the ways your group promotes, save all of your money—but spend it on all this stuff, show everyone all of your stuff and your family, and yourself, and everything you’re feeling— but curate these feelings perfectly, win at accepting yourself wholly and fully, and do it all now now now.
Why are (shoulds) in denial? A couple reasons. When the messages above become (shoulds), there’s no room for mistakes, or worse, mediocrity. Humans like to keep an order to things. There’s power in order, but, really, there’s no inherent best and worst when it comes to most of our (shoulds), especially when speaking to perfectionistic tendencies.
You make your choices (including not making choices), and you can still be grounded in yourself enough to know that you and everyone else continue to have worth.
How can we be compassionate toward (shoulds) in order to move toward loving growth? (Shoulds) are trying to be helpful. They’re trying to keep you fitting in to your expectations, your family’s expectations, your job’s expectations, society’s expectations. (Shoulds) want to keep you safe in your community. We can make a leap that at one time, behaving in a way that is acceptable in your community kept you safe from deadly disease, or getting lost forever, or being eaten by a predator. What (shoulds) don’t know is that they don’t need to work so hard anymore. (shoulds) are carrying a lot of weight to put unnecessary pressure on their owner (you). Validate your should by acknowledging that it came from someone or something that was doing all it could at the time (use your words and your experiences), but that you have more room to move toward a different direction, that you’re not going to be eaten by a tiger if you relax or take a risk, or acknowledge that it’s ok to make mistakes.